Is the person ungrateful or are you an inconsiderate person – Baby shower edition

Storytime: So your sibling is going to have a baby shower. They have a list of items they want. They gave free-range but ask everyone not to give baby clothing. But you know what will be cute on your niece. So you buy her the clothes you want.

They thank you for your gift. But you quickly realize that you’ve seen one picture of your niece in the outfit you bought, but you never see it again. So you ask, and they are honest. They sold the clothing you bought.

Does the person who bought the clothing have the right to be mad?

No, they don’t. I know this might sound harsh, but we need to stop giving people things we want for ourselves. And then get mad when they don’t accept it as we would. Yes, if you have a baby you would love someone to give your baby what you received. But they aren’t you.

And now you feel wronged that they sold clothes they specifically said they didn’t want. There was a whole list of things you could have gotten. And if you were unsure, you could have gotten them a gift card or just given them money. But no. You knew what you wanted someone else’s child to wear.

Shouldn’t they be thankful?

Giving a gift is a nice gesture. When it isn’t tied to disrespect. They would have preferred nothing, rather than knowing that you don’t care to respect their wishes.

Let me describe this differently.

Let’s say it’s your birthday and you have a list of things you would like. You ask no one to buy clothes. Your birthday comes around, and I buy you an outfit. You thank me, but you hate it.

 It’s my style, not yours. Yes, I do know our styles are different, but I’m going to buy want I want you to have. You realize that although it’s very expensive, you’ll never wear it. But you love me. We’ve been friends forever. So you invite me to dinner, and you wear this dress you hate for me. Then you sell it.

A year later, I ask you about it. You’re honest, and say you sold it. Would I have the right to be angry after I disregarded your wishes and bought you something that you didn’t want?

I think we all know the answer.

It’s just baby clothes.

No, it’s just you being disrespectful and inconsiderate, and it’s a slippery slope. If I can’t trust you to respect such a simple request, how can I trust you with doing the bigger things? At what point will you draw the line at respecting what I ask of you? Maybe you’ll give my baby candy and soda before I’m ready for them to try that.

 Because it’s just, candy right?

Just clothes, just sugar, just hanging out with a boy? You don’t get to tell someone what’s serious to them. When it comes to their life or their child.

Respecting people and their wishes is how you gain trust. I don’t trust people just because they’re family. I trust those who every day show me they are deserving of the trust I put in them.

Is the person ungrateful or are you a inconsiderate partner? part 2

Let’s say that you are really into designer brands, you love high-end fashion and looking good. You’re finally making the kind of money you dream of, and you decide to buy a nice gift for your partner. Let’s say a purse, it’s a great brand, it’s expensive, and you give it to them. And they say thank you. They wear it the next day. And then you don’t see it again.

Months pass, and you find the purse deep in the closet still in its dust bag. And you ask them why they don’t wear it. And they tell you that it’s very expensive, so they don’t want to wear it too much. You tell them that you bought it for them to wear. They try to explain that it’s not their style, and they aren’t even sure how to make it work with their wardrobe.

You get angry and can’t understand why they don’t appreciate what you got them, why are they so ungrateful?

BUT… I have a question.

Is the person you spent thousands of dollars on even interested in the item you bought “for them”? Think about it, if you gave them the money instead, would they have bought it? Is it a dream item for them, or is it something you would like them to have because it matches your style?

Because there are women who dream of expensive items and can’t afford them. And there are those who even if they had the money wouldn’t. They see it as a waste.

What’s important is knowing which person you are with. The person who dreams of a designer purse or the person who wouldn’t buy it even if they had the money.

If this is their dream item and they’d buy it if they had, it’s a great gift. But as it seems, this isn’t something that they would buy if they had the extra money. So if you have the money to buy an expensive item for your partner. I have to ask why wouldn’t you choose something that you know they would love. Why buy them something that you love. Why wouldn’t you choose an item that you know they’d love?

AND

If their love language isn’t gifts, that changes the whole scenario. Because this actually doesn’t work as well if their love language, is anything else. And you really do need to tailor the way you love them to how they receive love. Not to how you wish to love them.

Imagine spending that money on someone who has begged you for a weekend away because of how busy both of you are. Or even less just letting them sleep while you feed the baby. Not everybody wants grand gestures.

The sooner you find their love languages, the fewer problems like this you’ll have.

Is the person ungrateful or are you an inconsiderate partner?

Here’s a scenario:

For your partner’s birthday, you’ve planned a big birthday party planned for them. You’ve invited so many friends it’s a house party. After that, you’ve set up a trip. You are taking them to the beach, and you have even made reservations to a Micheline star restaurant.

At the party, they are very quiet, and at the beach, they just read. You notice that at the restaurant you booked months in advance they barely touch their food.

You go back home and wait a few days, and don’t mention the trip. You’re angry and want to know how you could ruin a trip so painstakingly for them. You wanna know so you ask them. They say it was fine, but you know they’re lying so you aksing, and they tell.

They thank you for all of the hard work and effort you put in. They say that they love what you’ve done, but they wished you had actually planned this for them and not yourself.

Does this person seem selfish?

Without any details, you can feel for the planner. They planned a party, a trip, and they made reservations at an expensive restaurant for their partner’s birthday. It could seem like their partner is just a selfish, inconsiderate, and ungrateful person.

BUT what if:

The person whose birthday it was: hates going to the beach, and they’ve mentioned it before. They have a short attention span and don’t enjoy it for more than an hour. And what if I also told you the type of food at the restaurant was their least favorite kind of food. Lastly, this person is an introvert and was overwhelmed by the number of strangers at this party.

It changes the narrative entirely, doesn’t it?

A big part of doing something for someone you care about is knowing and caring about what they want. If I gave you a dog when you don’t like them and have been talking about wanting pink butted tarantula. Am I being loving, or am I just giving you what I want you to have?

Also, you have to account for love languages into account. Learning a person’s love language is often a big deal, in treating them well. It will stop you from spending $1000s of dollars on someone who would be happier with you cleaning up the house.

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