Things you shouldn’t expect someone to change for you: The way they dress (for the men)

The first thing you have to ask yourself is, is there a way in which you think people in relationships should dress?

Do you think a woman who is married or dating should dress differently from someone who isn’t? I’m not saying whether one mindset better or not. I’m asking you to be honest with yourself.

Is there a way you wouldn’t want the woman you’re with to dress? Next, I’m asking you to be mindful of this when looking for potential partners.

Next question.

Are you going after women that are dressed the way you want a woman “in a relationship” to be dressed? Or are you going after women who are dressed like you believe “single women” should dress?

And then wanting them to change once they get with you.

The problem.

The biggest problem is unspoken expectations. Yes, to you it makes sense that a woman in a relationship shouldn’t dress a certain way. But the problem is simple. You can never expect someone else to think your normal is normal just because you think it is.

Many people assume that the way most women dress is to get or to attract men. This may be true for some women. But here’s the biggest issue. How do you tell a woman who is wearing a short dress for attention from a woman who loves short dresses, just because?

You can’t.

There are many women out there, who never consider men’s opinions when they get dressed. To be fair, for most women, a woman thinking you have on a cute outfit is worth 20 men telling you you look cute. We just value each other’s opinions a little higher.

What to do then? Easy.

If you want someone who dresses more modestly, find a person who dresses modestly. If you want less modesty and more short clothing. Look for that. You should never get in a relationship expecting someone to change something about themselves to fit you.

Especially with style, because many people attach the way they dress to who they are. People use fashion to express their culture and hobbies, and sometimes to point out particular parts that they like about themselves. Why argue with someone about clothes when you can just get what you want from the start?

And if your argument is that you can’t find anyone who dresses as you want. If you’re saying you KNOW for a fact why women dress a certain way. Maybe you should think about why you have such strong feelings about women’s clothing. Are you really worried about the way she dresses? Or are you truly worried about other men seeing her? Is it just insecurity? The biggest thing you really have to do is ask yourself why your feelings are the way they are.

And why you don’t want someone to come as they are to a relationship.

The real problem with the high value man conversation isn’t what you think is part one: Value

Lately, people are the talk about what a high-value man is. It often has been scaled down to money and things. A high-value man is a career man making a certain kind of income and having a certain amount of things. But there’s a huge gaping problem that no one is talking about within this conversation.

 Let’s say we meet for the first time and are talking. You tell me that you are a high-value man. But you must understand one critical thing. I have no idea what you mean by that.

What, why?

In popular culture, the term is often synonymous with money and things. But what if that’s not what I value? Saying that to someone you don’t know doesn’t make sense, because you don’t know what they value.And they don’t know what you value. The problem starts with assuming that every woman subscribes to the same core of what makes a person valuable.

So let’s give you three examples of women and what they are looking for.

Woman 1

She wants a man, who is handy. She has a degree and wants a man with one. She’s an entrepreneur with a budding business and wants a man who has the same level of passion for his career, he needs to be a business owner too. He can’t have roommates and needs to be already established. She wants to be spoiled because she the kind of woman who caters to her man.

Woman 2

Doesn’t care that much about finances as long as he has a career he’s passionate about. Wants someone whose willing to watch, slice-of-life anime with her and willing to do couple-cosplays together. Must watch anime. Needs someone who’s emotionally intelligent and willing to honestly share his feelings. She also wants a man who she can share her faith with.

Woman 3

Wants to live a sustainable life and that’s really important to her. She’s vegan for health reasons. She’s just trying to be her healthiest. She needs a man who can understand and value that just as much as she does. She needs someone that can enjoy nature, hiking, and the world just as much as she does. She wants someone she can share her spirituality with.

Which of these women is seeking a high-value man? 

Surprise! It’s a trick question because each woman is describing what a high-value man is, TO THEM. We are often quick to assume and put all women in a small box and say what all women want. But we’re talking about priorities, not what makes the list. But what is high on the list.

Woman 2 and 3 three don’t seem realistic to you, really.

You’ve never met women like that before. They don’t sound realistic. Hi, I am Woman 2. I do understand that there are a lot of women that may be like woman 1. But I have a question for you. Do you honestly think all women have the same value system when it comes to men? Beyond the bare minimum: a career, a place to sleep, fidelity, honesty, and financial independence.

[By financial independence I mean paying their own bills. Not rich, not making any certain amount, but taking care of themselves as functioning adults]

The funny thing is Woman 1 was created as the opposite of who I am as a person. I just put together all the things I hear women say that I don’t agree with or find important in a relationship. You may think woman 2 and 3 don’t seem real. But woman 1 is the only one that’s just an amalgamation of ideas, she’s the one I made up. Woman 3 is my best friend. We vary.

And before you go further in arguing with me. Understand it all comes down to this one thing.

Everyone values different things, and we don’t get to tell them what they choose to value. Or what high priority is to them.

You might think valuing a man who likes anime is silly, but I think living a life with someone you can’t enjoy your main hobbies with, is a silly and joyless life. My high value was wanting a best friend because that’s what I found to be the most important in choosing a man. 

Instead of assuming that you’re a catch because you meet arbitrary rules that some person told you were what women wanted. Show her through your actions that you’re a worthy suitor. And that’s a message for everyone. Let your actions show how much value you bring to the table.

Greenflags in relationships part 7

People who respect your boundaries.

This post will be specifically about the sexual boundaries a person has. When dating people often encounter issues about people’s boundaries with sex.

Some people don’t want to have sex until marriage, some want to wait 90 days, others have a set amount of dates, and others don’t have a set time at all it’s when they feel it’s the “right time”.

The green flag of this is simply respecting a person’s boundary when it comes to their body. You don’t get to say how someone should use their body. A person who respects another’s boundaries is going to do one of two things. 1.) Accept it and continue dating them or 2.) break up with them.

Yes, break up.BECAUSE.

They respect the person too much to ask them to compromise themselves and their boundaries for them. They wouldn’t want someone to have sex with them because a.) they felt pressured into it or b) they want sexuality to be a big part of their relationship and they don’t want to have someone who isn’t ready for that.

But let’s break down the red flag. Isn’t breaking up too extreme?

Not at all. Breaking up is what mature people do when they hit value roadblocks. Some things we can compromise on to form well-balanced relationships. Sometimes we have to draw our line in the sand. I would say your boundaries and values are something you shouldn’t compromise or feel the need to compromise for a relationship. And anyone worth having wouldn’t ask you to.

I have honest questions that you have to ask yourself if you disagree.

Do you think you have the right to try to redefine what a person has decided to do with their body?

Are you ok with your partner feeling like you forced them into having sex before they were ready?

Would you be ok with knowing your partner only had sex with you because they feared they lose you?

Do you think that just because you are dating someone that you are entitled to sex?

Does your monetary contribution to dates entitle you to the other person’s body? Is dating just a transaction of food to sex to you?

Do you think because a person has had sex or a child they don’t have the right to say when they will have sex again?

Many of those questions are based on conversations I’ve had with people and conversations I’ve heard people have. I also need to say that many people aren’t trying to use sex as a weapon, but they want to give themselves to the right person. Especially if they’ve had a rocky dating history. Men love to say for women need to choose better, and for many setting healthy boundaries is a part of seeing if the person’s the right person for them.

Problematic relationship statements: Choose better.

Choose better. Is often a phrase used toward women when they’ve had a bad experience with men. I will explain why this phrase isn’t good advice, isn’t helpful, and is just a strawman argument.

Reason 1: People will lie to date you.

Have you ever pretended to be into something a woman or guy is interested in for them to look at you? I hate to tell you that’s manipulative, but not only that, it’s lying. It’s very common. Many people will fake interest and hobbies in hopes of getting in a relationship with someone.

And you should hope it’s something that small. Many will lie about wanting kids, having children, being married, having a home, and/or having a job. All with the hopes of tricking someone who wouldn’t date them otherwise into getting into a relationship.

And if we’re being honest and if you’re dating someone that you don’t know. It’s easy to be lied to. Especially in the beginning before you get emotionally attached. If you’re seeing someone once a week. You are not to blame if they’re hiding a family, kids, anger issues, or even their employment status?

Reason 2: Sometimes people break up, and both parties are great people.

We always forget that sometimes people choose well, but just aren’t right for each other. Values and wants are just different sometimes and mature adults occasionally decide that breaking up is better than compromise.

Reason 3:You don’t know what you don’t know.

Most people that end up being in abusive relationships, had no clue that the guy/girl was abusive when they started dating. And do you think people that don’t support their children tell you that before you have kids with them?

There are many situations in which, the person honestly couldn’t have known about it till it happened. I know it’s cute to pretend that there are always red flags, but sometimes there aren’t. 

And sometimes they are ones you only can pick up on, once you’ve been in this type of situation before. It’s easy to know you’re being lied to when you’ve had experience being lied to. But some people don’t have experience of going through those situations. Should we blame them for having truthful people in their lives?

 Reason 4: How?

It’s easy to just tell someone to do better. It’s lazy everyone should do better. Real advice would be telling them how to date better. You say I missed red flags. Which ones? How did I miss them? How can I avoid them next time? How could I have known he would neglect his firstborn child? How should I have known he was going to hit me before he started? What are the first signs of an isolating partner? How could I have known he would choose his friends or mother consistently over me, every time?

And if you can’t look at their situation and tell them how they could have avoided it, that means that you could have easily fallen for the same thing. And if you couldn’t have done better, what right do have to tell them to. 

Well, what if they did know they were bad guys. How do you describe those women?

You’re talking about the women who date men who have treated their exes like trash and don’t raise their kids. I don’t always think it’s as simple as these women thinking they are the exception to the rule. Though that may be true in a few of those situations.

Most of this time these women are fed a story about how the ex was less than a woman and some excuse of how the woman is keeping them from their kids. And the woman figures that they are a better woman than that. So if they are a good woman that’ll be enough to change the situation,right? Though it doesn’t work most of the time.

 Also, you have to understand there are men who will treat one woman like trash, leave kids and not support them. Make a new family and be the best father and husband to this new family. And I don’t know how a woman can tell which situation will happen before it happens. 

You don’t think the second one happens.

 Ok, this is a sad fact ,but although we know “King” Richard Williams was just that to Venus and Serena, he had five other kids, who are still very hurt and angry that he left them and their mom.

My advice.

Don’t give advice to just shut people up it doesn’t work. It just makes us talk more about your bad takes.

Your advice to women is don’t date bad men, but for the most part, the women don’t know the men are bad when they first chose them. Your advice should be you telling other men to be better. But men who use this line, don’t actually want to do any work so saying this is easy. 

Holding other men accountable is work.

Is the person ungrateful or are you a inconsiderate partner? part 2

Let’s say that you are really into designer brands, you love high-end fashion and looking good. You’re finally making the kind of money you dream of, and you decide to buy a nice gift for your partner. Let’s say a purse, it’s a great brand, it’s expensive, and you give it to them. And they say thank you. They wear it the next day. And then you don’t see it again.

Months pass, and you find the purse deep in the closet still in its dust bag. And you ask them why they don’t wear it. And they tell you that it’s very expensive, so they don’t want to wear it too much. You tell them that you bought it for them to wear. They try to explain that it’s not their style, and they aren’t even sure how to make it work with their wardrobe.

You get angry and can’t understand why they don’t appreciate what you got them, why are they so ungrateful?

BUT… I have a question.

Is the person you spent thousands of dollars on even interested in the item you bought “for them”? Think about it, if you gave them the money instead, would they have bought it? Is it a dream item for them, or is it something you would like them to have because it matches your style?

Because there are women who dream of expensive items and can’t afford them. And there are those who even if they had the money wouldn’t. They see it as a waste.

What’s important is knowing which person you are with. The person who dreams of a designer purse or the person who wouldn’t buy it even if they had the money.

If this is their dream item and they’d buy it if they had, it’s a great gift. But as it seems, this isn’t something that they would buy if they had the extra money. So if you have the money to buy an expensive item for your partner. I have to ask why wouldn’t you choose something that you know they would love. Why buy them something that you love. Why wouldn’t you choose an item that you know they’d love?

AND

If their love language isn’t gifts, that changes the whole scenario. Because this actually doesn’t work as well if their love language, is anything else. And you really do need to tailor the way you love them to how they receive love. Not to how you wish to love them.

Imagine spending that money on someone who has begged you for a weekend away because of how busy both of you are. Or even less just letting them sleep while you feed the baby. Not everybody wants grand gestures.

The sooner you find their love languages, the fewer problems like this you’ll have.

Is it really a big deal if you dislike your partners hobbies?

There is a single thing that depends on.

The level at which your partner’s hobby is a part of their life.Let’s put it on a scale from 0 to 10. 0 being no interest or dislike and 10 being people whose lives revolve around their hobby.

 Where does your person lie?

Let’s choose an easy one: anime. Let’s say that you have two potential partners. 

Person A:

This person is a 3 on the life scale. They like anime, they watch it, but that’s it. They don’t care if you watch it with them. They do it in their spare time, and it’s not an integral part of their life. You could mesh well with this person.

BUT

Person B:

This person is an 8.5 on the scale who loves anime. They go to conventions, take pictures with voice actors, cosplay, and plan their time off around convention schedules. A lot of the artwork is anime-related. Not to mention how many of their cups, blankets, sheets, and other houseware items are anime-related. They read manga the second it comes out. And every week look forward to watching the new episodes of the series they love. And they are watching multiple series.

I am not saying that you who dislike this medium couldn’t date person B. I am just asking a question.

Why would you want to?

If you meet a person who dedicates a lot of their free time to something you don’t dislike, how can you enjoy spending time with them without taking them away from something that they love? If you love their passion and how they are, how will you guys enjoy time together? One person, you, or the other person will be giving up time doing something they love to accommodate the other. 

That isn’t abnormal for couples to compromise on some things. But would you want someone to have to comprise on the main things that they love, for you?

Why I don’t suggest it.

So for me liking anime was a non-negotiable. Not one I ever put on a list, but just one that stayed in my head. I would only date those who I could enjoy it with.Let’s start by saying this is one of many activities that I do and enjoy, but this is the only one that I needed a potential partner to also enjoy. Because I want to share the thing I most love with my person.

WHY?

I’ve noticed that some people have strong opinions about certain hobbies they dislike. People that dislike anime, really dislike anime. They call the medium childish, they call the people into it childish, they don’t like what we buy, wear, and think our hobby is a waste of time. And if I spent the amount of time and money that I do with this medium. I don’t see how I could live my life with a person who dislikes the way I live my life.

Remember I did say that a person respecting your hobby is a green flag making a person who will not, a red flag. 

And I must state that sometimes dislike can lead to disrespect but not always. At the same time, I’d rather have someone indifferent than someone who dislikes what I love. 

But people get along all the time who don’t have the same hobbies. 

That’s true, but what you may not be considering is that having different hobbies and interest isn’t the same as someone actively disliking your interest. I know many people in relationships and they tend to have one big thing that they like in common. It may just be one thing, but something similar brings them together.

  Should someone be willing to give up their hobby for their partner? 

Think about the thing that brings you the most joy. Now imagine your partner told you they hate that. But it’s one of your favorite things, that you liked even before you met them. That is so integrated into your life, that you’re not sure what your life would be without it. It’s not who you are, but it’s a big part of what brings you joy. Now imagine not being able to share that thing with the person you love.

What do you do then? 

Honestly, this is why you have to talk with people and get to know them BEFORE you start to date them. Then you won’t have to deal with partners unplugging your PlayStation while you’re playing it, people who feel like your hobby is a childish waste of time , or people who feel like your hobby takes up to much of your time when you could be spending it with them.

I hate to say that the best way to enjoy what you like is finding someone whose interest level is close to yours. Dislike or love hobbies together.

Greenflags in a relationships: part 4

Knowing how to talk to someone.

I’m not talking about someone good at communicating overall, but about a specific part of good communication, which is kindness.

You’ve heard people say, I’m just BLUNT. That is who I am. The problem is, it isn’t. Bluntness isn’t a personality trait.

It’s a choice.

Being blunt is like letting yourself give into anger. It requires little care or effort to do. It’s difficult to regulate what you say, but I guarantee you those who do have better relationships than those who don’t.

I’m not talking about people that finesse others or smooth talkers.

No.

I’m talking about the regular people that realize that the tone that you talk to people will affect the outcome. The way you speak to someone might be the difference between someone actually taking in what you said or just not listening at all. It’s also someone who even when they’re angry at you will use their words to articulate without being overly harsh when you because they are upset.

The way in which you choose to articulate yourself and your feelings matters. It’s hard for people to be kind and considerate,but it’s possible. Just choosing to speak kindly can change a situation entirely.

Let’s give a real-world example.

You’re a woman, and your boyfriend has a dinner planned out. He takes you to a restaurant. He had to get reservations months in advance to even get seats. He takes you to do something he loves, put-put, at a fancy indoor adult night put-put experience.

The issue.

You love all kinds of food, but this particular food culture is the only one you don’t enjoy, and you have told him that. You’re not sure if he knows you hate put-put, but you do. It’s your birthday. You’re grateful for all the effort, but you didn’t enjoy your meal, and although you always enjoy doing things with him. You were a bit bored.

These are the two ways you could respond about your birthday.

BLUNT

“Well you know I really don’t like [“insert culture”] food, and I didn’t enjoy it all. And I really don’t like put-put, so I feel like you don’t listen to me when I tell you what I do enjoy. Why would you take me out for my birthday to only do things that you like? It’s like you don’t even listen to what I say.”

KIND

“This is the most elaborate well planned date you’ve ever done for me, and I love that. I know how hard it is to get a reservation from [resturuant], I see you. Thank you for doing everything you could to make my birthday as special as possible. We should stop at [insert favorite late-night snack place] and chill there before we head home. ‘” (Waits to have conversations to talk about foods and activities that they do and don’t like later. Maybe taking at most two weeks rather than throwing all at the unsuspecting guy at once).

To be honest, this is a Kobayashi maru test, it’s a no-win scenario. You appreciated a valiant effort, but you like what you like.

But your words have power.

The first response only exasperates the issue and actually makes everyone have a bad night. But when the person chose their words vs just saying their immediate feelings, they built up their boyfriend and made the situation a bit better.

Woman or man, if the words of those you let around you aren’t building you up, then why are they around you?

Greenflags in Relationship: part 3

A person with Hobbies

I said it before that a person respecting your hobbies is one of the best things you can have in a relationship. But having someone who has their own hobbies is very important too. Even if they are not the same hobbies that you are into.

Having someone who has hobbies, means that when participating in a hobby they probably won’t be feeling lonely or left out. They understand that sometimes hobbies are solo activities. You wanna read a new fantasy novel for a couple of hours, cool they’re going to game for that time. Everyone wins. You want to game for a few hours. Well, they’re going to draw a comic for a few and then watch some Korean dramas. You’re going to go to a convention, they’ll go or they’ll hang out with their friends.

When a person has a hobby, they are more likely to understand that you taking out time for that hobby isn’t about you separating from them. It’s just you taking time to enjoy something that makes you happy. And a responsible adult who loves and cares about you regardless of what they like to do will make time for you. Hobbies often get the reputation of being the reason people don’t spend time with their partners.

But let’s be honest, hobbies are not the reason a partner doesn’t spend time with you. Them not seeing you as a high priority in your relationship is the actual issue. And if your partner finds more solace in their hobby than you.

Then your issues are bigger than hobbies

Green Flags for any relationship part 1

A person that can easily apologize and say you are wrong.

Man or woman, it doesn’t matter the ability to apologize is a beautiful thing. The problem with many people is that they’re too proud to admit they are wrong. They’ll offer sex, dates, food, anything but the simple admission that they aren’t always right.

It can be difficult, but a big part of being an adult is the ability to admit when you’re wrong. Though I must admit that many adults are capable of doing it.

That’s why it’s a green flag, a person capable of apologizing is a person who can’t put their pride aside for the health of their relationship. That’s a person worth having. 

A person with the ability to hold each other accountable.

This can also be hard for both genders. But imagine you have something you say you wanted to do. And you declare that you have some steps to make sure you achieve your goal. You can’t be mad when someone holds you to the standard you said you wish to be held to.

But also it’s important to understand that the caveat of accountability is respectfulness and calmness. Rather it’s health-wise or being held up to the standards you set for yourself. How can you be mad at someone you love trying to help you be better in such a loving way.

A person that respects your hobbies.

Hobbies are an integral part of making adult life fun. Yes, you may have to work, have children, and have countless other responsibilities. But you also have those things that bring you happiness from just thinking about them. Maybe it’s basketball, anime, gunpla, video games, comics, or just reading. Regardless of what it is a hobby is, it’s often a big part of being a well-rounded individual.

Imagine you’ve loved something since you were a kid and you meet someone, and they don’t get it but they love that you love your hobby. They appreciate that you have something that makes you happy. They even sometimes will do it with you. They love sharing those experiences with you and learning more about what you love.

And you being that supportive partner that you are, do the same. You support their hobbies and take part in them because that’s just what people do in strong relationships.

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