The real problem with the high value man conversation isn’t what you think is part one: Value

Lately, people are the talk about what a high-value man is. It often has been scaled down to money and things. A high-value man is a career man making a certain kind of income and having a certain amount of things. But there’s a huge gaping problem that no one is talking about within this conversation.

 Let’s say we meet for the first time and are talking. You tell me that you are a high-value man. But you must understand one critical thing. I have no idea what you mean by that.

What, why?

In popular culture, the term is often synonymous with money and things. But what if that’s not what I value? Saying that to someone you don’t know doesn’t make sense, because you don’t know what they value.And they don’t know what you value. The problem starts with assuming that every woman subscribes to the same core of what makes a person valuable.

So let’s give you three examples of women and what they are looking for.

Woman 1

She wants a man, who is handy. She has a degree and wants a man with one. She’s an entrepreneur with a budding business and wants a man who has the same level of passion for his career, he needs to be a business owner too. He can’t have roommates and needs to be already established. She wants to be spoiled because she the kind of woman who caters to her man.

Woman 2

Doesn’t care that much about finances as long as he has a career he’s passionate about. Wants someone whose willing to watch, slice-of-life anime with her and willing to do couple-cosplays together. Must watch anime. Needs someone who’s emotionally intelligent and willing to honestly share his feelings. She also wants a man who she can share her faith with.

Woman 3

Wants to live a sustainable life and that’s really important to her. She’s vegan for health reasons. She’s just trying to be her healthiest. She needs a man who can understand and value that just as much as she does. She needs someone that can enjoy nature, hiking, and the world just as much as she does. She wants someone she can share her spirituality with.

Which of these women is seeking a high-value man? 

Surprise! It’s a trick question because each woman is describing what a high-value man is, TO THEM. We are often quick to assume and put all women in a small box and say what all women want. But we’re talking about priorities, not what makes the list. But what is high on the list.

Woman 2 and 3 three don’t seem realistic to you, really.

You’ve never met women like that before. They don’t sound realistic. Hi, I am Woman 2. I do understand that there are a lot of women that may be like woman 1. But I have a question for you. Do you honestly think all women have the same value system when it comes to men? Beyond the bare minimum: a career, a place to sleep, fidelity, honesty, and financial independence.

[By financial independence I mean paying their own bills. Not rich, not making any certain amount, but taking care of themselves as functioning adults]

The funny thing is Woman 1 was created as the opposite of who I am as a person. I just put together all the things I hear women say that I don’t agree with or find important in a relationship. You may think woman 2 and 3 don’t seem real. But woman 1 is the only one that’s just an amalgamation of ideas, she’s the one I made up. Woman 3 is my best friend. We vary.

And before you go further in arguing with me. Understand it all comes down to this one thing.

Everyone values different things, and we don’t get to tell them what they choose to value. Or what high priority is to them.

You might think valuing a man who likes anime is silly, but I think living a life with someone you can’t enjoy your main hobbies with, is a silly and joyless life. My high value was wanting a best friend because that’s what I found to be the most important in choosing a man. 

Instead of assuming that you’re a catch because you meet arbitrary rules that some person told you were what women wanted. Show her through your actions that you’re a worthy suitor. And that’s a message for everyone. Let your actions show how much value you bring to the table.

Phrases thrown out on social media: Never cry in front of your woman she’ll lose all respect for you

I’ve heard this argument come up recently, and there is a big argument on both sides. Men who say they’ve had women break up after being vulnerable. And women who say being emotionally vulnerable is what women want.

Who’s right?

Both sides are, but hear me out as to why.

Some women are very wrapped up in the idea that there is a certain way to be a man. And crying to them is a feminine thing to do. So these women will lose respect for their man if he cries around them.

The issue.

Those women aren’t the only women that exist.

But if you’re a man or a woman, you will have to ask yourself if you care about emotional intelligence. Do you think both sexes should be allowed to have a full range of emotions without being judged?

First let me say that I am biased. The world is hard enough to live in. If you’re not being emotionally honest with the one you love, you’re adding another level of difficulty to life. Just because.

I couldn’t imagine living a life in which I had to bundle how I feel into a ball. Then hold it inside myself forever because I believe that no one cares and that it’s just my job to live that way. It’s a sad way to live, but it’s your choice. Because you can argue all day that women don’t care, and that is just how men have to live, but there are men who aren’t living that way. Which means you don’t have to.

Because you can’t tell me that my man being vulnerable with me isn’t one of the sexiest and most attractive parts of our relationship. I’m not here to convince you, but I have no reason to lie. You don’t get to tell me what I do and don’t find attractive or who does and doesn’t get my respect. And if you think I’m the only one, I think you might need to broaden your horizon.

Just because you haven’t found someone who can respect and honor your emotions doesn’t give you the right to say no man can, has, or ever will. Speak for yourself, but understand there are men out here that when they are home can put the weight of the world down,even if you don’t. If you continue to live that way, cool.

Suffer in silence, feel alone, take in all your pain, and cry only at your most vulnerable moments when you’re alone. But then can’t complain about it , don’t say that no one cares about men. Because I do.

But:

I can’t get you into therapy. I’m just a blogger.

I can’t make you gain a friend group that will support you when you need it. I’m just a blogger.

I can’t be your matchmaker and find you an emotionally intelligent woman who gets it. I’m just a blogger.

But I can still want that for you. I can still care about men who feel like this is the only way they can live. I just want people to know that both sides of this coin exist and which man or woman you are is just as much a choice as who you choose to be with.

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