Greenflags in a relationships: part 5

A person with a dependable healthy friend group.

I know people may not like it, but your friends are a good indicator of where you are going in life. We judge books by their covers over here. Because that cover and sleeve tell you what the book is about.

A dependable healthy friend group is one of the best things that you can have in life. And more often than not, people are a reflection of who they hang around. Nothing is going to be as consistently inspiring then friends who are constantly pushing you to be your best at all times. They don’t even have to push sometimes. People whom you love doing their best are inspirational.

Now, let’s say that your partner isn’t as emotionally healthy as their friends, I guarantee you they are in a much better place than if we flip.

Let’s flip it.

Imagine we have an emotionally healthy dependable person, in a friend group in which no one else is. I hate to say it but that person is in danger of being dragged down vs being lifted up. And to be fair people realizing that their friend groups aren’t good places are often why people leave friend groups.

So even if your person isn’t where they want to be in life or where they want to stand emotionally; having friends around them that constantly walk in bettering themselves. Is a bonus in life for them. And quiet as kept, it’s a bonus for you too. So not only do you get a person who is consistently being inspired to grow. You gain people who want the best for you.

WHY?

Because they want their friend to be happy, and encouraging you does that too. And in time, you gain people that will cheer you on for the rest of your life.

Greenflags in a relationships: part 4

Knowing how to talk to someone.

I’m not talking about someone good at communicating overall, but about a specific part of good communication, which is kindness.

You’ve heard people say, I’m just BLUNT. That is who I am. The problem is, it isn’t. Bluntness isn’t a personality trait.

It’s a choice.

Being blunt is like letting yourself give into anger. It requires little care or effort to do. It’s difficult to regulate what you say, but I guarantee you those who do have better relationships than those who don’t.

I’m not talking about people that finesse others or smooth talkers.

No.

I’m talking about the regular people that realize that the tone that you talk to people will affect the outcome. The way you speak to someone might be the difference between someone actually taking in what you said or just not listening at all. It’s also someone who even when they’re angry at you will use their words to articulate without being overly harsh when you because they are upset.

The way in which you choose to articulate yourself and your feelings matters. It’s hard for people to be kind and considerate,but it’s possible. Just choosing to speak kindly can change a situation entirely.

Let’s give a real-world example.

You’re a woman, and your boyfriend has a dinner planned out. He takes you to a restaurant. He had to get reservations months in advance to even get seats. He takes you to do something he loves, put-put, at a fancy indoor adult night put-put experience.

The issue.

You love all kinds of food, but this particular food culture is the only one you don’t enjoy, and you have told him that. You’re not sure if he knows you hate put-put, but you do. It’s your birthday. You’re grateful for all the effort, but you didn’t enjoy your meal, and although you always enjoy doing things with him. You were a bit bored.

These are the two ways you could respond about your birthday.

BLUNT

“Well you know I really don’t like [“insert culture”] food, and I didn’t enjoy it all. And I really don’t like put-put, so I feel like you don’t listen to me when I tell you what I do enjoy. Why would you take me out for my birthday to only do things that you like? It’s like you don’t even listen to what I say.”

KIND

“This is the most elaborate well planned date you’ve ever done for me, and I love that. I know how hard it is to get a reservation from [resturuant], I see you. Thank you for doing everything you could to make my birthday as special as possible. We should stop at [insert favorite late-night snack place] and chill there before we head home. ‘” (Waits to have conversations to talk about foods and activities that they do and don’t like later. Maybe taking at most two weeks rather than throwing all at the unsuspecting guy at once).

To be honest, this is a Kobayashi maru test, it’s a no-win scenario. You appreciated a valiant effort, but you like what you like.

But your words have power.

The first response only exasperates the issue and actually makes everyone have a bad night. But when the person chose their words vs just saying their immediate feelings, they built up their boyfriend and made the situation a bit better.

Woman or man, if the words of those you let around you aren’t building you up, then why are they around you?

Greenflags in Relationship: part 3

A person with Hobbies

I said it before that a person respecting your hobbies is one of the best things you can have in a relationship. But having someone who has their own hobbies is very important too. Even if they are not the same hobbies that you are into.

Having someone who has hobbies, means that when participating in a hobby they probably won’t be feeling lonely or left out. They understand that sometimes hobbies are solo activities. You wanna read a new fantasy novel for a couple of hours, cool they’re going to game for that time. Everyone wins. You want to game for a few hours. Well, they’re going to draw a comic for a few and then watch some Korean dramas. You’re going to go to a convention, they’ll go or they’ll hang out with their friends.

When a person has a hobby, they are more likely to understand that you taking out time for that hobby isn’t about you separating from them. It’s just you taking time to enjoy something that makes you happy. And a responsible adult who loves and cares about you regardless of what they like to do will make time for you. Hobbies often get the reputation of being the reason people don’t spend time with their partners.

But let’s be honest, hobbies are not the reason a partner doesn’t spend time with you. Them not seeing you as a high priority in your relationship is the actual issue. And if your partner finds more solace in their hobby than you.

Then your issues are bigger than hobbies

Greenflags in a relationship: part 2

Someone who is open and honest about their values and what they want in a relationship from the beginning.

There is a lot of discourse about when you should really have difficult discussions in a relationship. When should the discussion go from fluff to serious? Many people argue against being too open at the beginning because of a relationship, because of the fear of coming on too strong.

My argument is that these people are better at dating than others. Think about it. If I knew the main issues that people end up having trouble in their relationships and I could cut it out from the beginning don’t you think I should? 

I hate to say it but a lot of long-term relationships end up having issues because they do feelings and emotions first. Then values and beliefs secondarily. So by the time many have deep relationships with people, they are already like them a lot. The issue is most people are lenient on people they really like. People will deny red flags in the name of love until they don’t.

But what if before you go in too deep you have a person that wants to know what makes you tick before they put that love in, to protect not just themselves, but you as well. We love to talk about compromise, but we don’t often discuss that you shouldn’t have to compromise everything for a relationship. It’s ok to have non-negotiables. Choosing to have kids, if you should get married or not, keeping your pets, family traditions, there are many others but these are often ones that actually hurt relationships.

Imagine you meet a guy. You go on a couple of dates, and then you learn that he wants to get married. You think marriage is an antiquated concept. You talk about it and you’re surprised he’s not trying to convince you of getting married. He respects your choice. He articulates himself in such a way you can understand why he wants to get married. 

  You guys decide to break up, still be friends, and find someone with similar ideals.

Now imagine the same scenario but with different people who have been dating six months, and the lady begins talking about marriage. The guy tells her he doesn’t believe in it. If we’re being honest in this situation, only the person who wants to get married is essentially affected. Though over time, if their want is deep, it ends up really affecting everything. 

 Sometimes issues can’t be avoided. People lie, some change their minds, but some people tell you for better or for worse what they are about from the beginning. And even if they are not giving you want. You really should respect them for being upfront, because so many people aren’t.

Green Flags for any relationship part 1

A person that can easily apologize and say you are wrong.

Man or woman, it doesn’t matter the ability to apologize is a beautiful thing. The problem with many people is that they’re too proud to admit they are wrong. They’ll offer sex, dates, food, anything but the simple admission that they aren’t always right.

It can be difficult, but a big part of being an adult is the ability to admit when you’re wrong. Though I must admit that many adults are capable of doing it.

That’s why it’s a green flag, a person capable of apologizing is a person who can’t put their pride aside for the health of their relationship. That’s a person worth having. 

A person with the ability to hold each other accountable.

This can also be hard for both genders. But imagine you have something you say you wanted to do. And you declare that you have some steps to make sure you achieve your goal. You can’t be mad when someone holds you to the standard you said you wish to be held to.

But also it’s important to understand that the caveat of accountability is respectfulness and calmness. Rather it’s health-wise or being held up to the standards you set for yourself. How can you be mad at someone you love trying to help you be better in such a loving way.

A person that respects your hobbies.

Hobbies are an integral part of making adult life fun. Yes, you may have to work, have children, and have countless other responsibilities. But you also have those things that bring you happiness from just thinking about them. Maybe it’s basketball, anime, gunpla, video games, comics, or just reading. Regardless of what it is a hobby is, it’s often a big part of being a well-rounded individual.

Imagine you’ve loved something since you were a kid and you meet someone, and they don’t get it but they love that you love your hobby. They appreciate that you have something that makes you happy. They even sometimes will do it with you. They love sharing those experiences with you and learning more about what you love.

And you being that supportive partner that you are, do the same. You support their hobbies and take part in them because that’s just what people do in strong relationships.

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