The real problem with the high value man conversation isn’t what you think is part one: Value

Lately, people are the talk about what a high-value man is. It often has been scaled down to money and things. A high-value man is a career man making a certain kind of income and having a certain amount of things. But there’s a huge gaping problem that no one is talking about within this conversation.

 Let’s say we meet for the first time and are talking. You tell me that you are a high-value man. But you must understand one critical thing. I have no idea what you mean by that.

What, why?

In popular culture, the term is often synonymous with money and things. But what if that’s not what I value? Saying that to someone you don’t know doesn’t make sense, because you don’t know what they value.And they don’t know what you value. The problem starts with assuming that every woman subscribes to the same core of what makes a person valuable.

So let’s give you three examples of women and what they are looking for.

Woman 1

She wants a man, who is handy. She has a degree and wants a man with one. She’s an entrepreneur with a budding business and wants a man who has the same level of passion for his career, he needs to be a business owner too. He can’t have roommates and needs to be already established. She wants to be spoiled because she the kind of woman who caters to her man.

Woman 2

Doesn’t care that much about finances as long as he has a career he’s passionate about. Wants someone whose willing to watch, slice-of-life anime with her and willing to do couple-cosplays together. Must watch anime. Needs someone who’s emotionally intelligent and willing to honestly share his feelings. She also wants a man who she can share her faith with.

Woman 3

Wants to live a sustainable life and that’s really important to her. She’s vegan for health reasons. She’s just trying to be her healthiest. She needs a man who can understand and value that just as much as she does. She needs someone that can enjoy nature, hiking, and the world just as much as she does. She wants someone she can share her spirituality with.

Which of these women is seeking a high-value man? 

Surprise! It’s a trick question because each woman is describing what a high-value man is, TO THEM. We are often quick to assume and put all women in a small box and say what all women want. But we’re talking about priorities, not what makes the list. But what is high on the list.

Woman 2 and 3 three don’t seem realistic to you, really.

You’ve never met women like that before. They don’t sound realistic. Hi, I am Woman 2. I do understand that there are a lot of women that may be like woman 1. But I have a question for you. Do you honestly think all women have the same value system when it comes to men? Beyond the bare minimum: a career, a place to sleep, fidelity, honesty, and financial independence.

[By financial independence I mean paying their own bills. Not rich, not making any certain amount, but taking care of themselves as functioning adults]

The funny thing is Woman 1 was created as the opposite of who I am as a person. I just put together all the things I hear women say that I don’t agree with or find important in a relationship. You may think woman 2 and 3 don’t seem real. But woman 1 is the only one that’s just an amalgamation of ideas, she’s the one I made up. Woman 3 is my best friend. We vary.

And before you go further in arguing with me. Understand it all comes down to this one thing.

Everyone values different things, and we don’t get to tell them what they choose to value. Or what high priority is to them.

You might think valuing a man who likes anime is silly, but I think living a life with someone you can’t enjoy your main hobbies with, is a silly and joyless life. My high value was wanting a best friend because that’s what I found to be the most important in choosing a man. 

Instead of assuming that you’re a catch because you meet arbitrary rules that some person told you were what women wanted. Show her through your actions that you’re a worthy suitor. And that’s a message for everyone. Let your actions show how much value you bring to the table.

Is the person ungrateful or are you an inconsiderate person – Baby shower edition

Storytime: So your sibling is going to have a baby shower. They have a list of items they want. They gave free-range but ask everyone not to give baby clothing. But you know what will be cute on your niece. So you buy her the clothes you want.

They thank you for your gift. But you quickly realize that you’ve seen one picture of your niece in the outfit you bought, but you never see it again. So you ask, and they are honest. They sold the clothing you bought.

Does the person who bought the clothing have the right to be mad?

No, they don’t. I know this might sound harsh, but we need to stop giving people things we want for ourselves. And then get mad when they don’t accept it as we would. Yes, if you have a baby you would love someone to give your baby what you received. But they aren’t you.

And now you feel wronged that they sold clothes they specifically said they didn’t want. There was a whole list of things you could have gotten. And if you were unsure, you could have gotten them a gift card or just given them money. But no. You knew what you wanted someone else’s child to wear.

Shouldn’t they be thankful?

Giving a gift is a nice gesture. When it isn’t tied to disrespect. They would have preferred nothing, rather than knowing that you don’t care to respect their wishes.

Let me describe this differently.

Let’s say it’s your birthday and you have a list of things you would like. You ask no one to buy clothes. Your birthday comes around, and I buy you an outfit. You thank me, but you hate it.

 It’s my style, not yours. Yes, I do know our styles are different, but I’m going to buy want I want you to have. You realize that although it’s very expensive, you’ll never wear it. But you love me. We’ve been friends forever. So you invite me to dinner, and you wear this dress you hate for me. Then you sell it.

A year later, I ask you about it. You’re honest, and say you sold it. Would I have the right to be angry after I disregarded your wishes and bought you something that you didn’t want?

I think we all know the answer.

It’s just baby clothes.

No, it’s just you being disrespectful and inconsiderate, and it’s a slippery slope. If I can’t trust you to respect such a simple request, how can I trust you with doing the bigger things? At what point will you draw the line at respecting what I ask of you? Maybe you’ll give my baby candy and soda before I’m ready for them to try that.

 Because it’s just, candy right?

Just clothes, just sugar, just hanging out with a boy? You don’t get to tell someone what’s serious to them. When it comes to their life or their child.

Respecting people and their wishes is how you gain trust. I don’t trust people just because they’re family. I trust those who every day show me they are deserving of the trust I put in them.

How to be better Black elders than our elders were Part 1

By not asking Black women if they comb their hair or their hair is “done”.

The state of a Black woman’s hair is sensitive and is honestly no business of anyone but the woman who is growing it. I lose respect for anyone that asks me when I’m going to comb or do my hair. If I am out my hair is done. We already live in a world that tells us by default that our hair is unprofessional. The hardest thing is when it comes internally. 

You don’t get to tell someone that they aren’t taking care of themselves and expect a respectful response. It’s like me asking you did you brush your teeth this morning, but with an added layer of internalized self-hate. Don’t expect anything but me telling you how my hair is done,until you back off.

The older generation has yet to do is realize why they do this. They were brought up with respectability politics of Black hair. To the point where if someone’s hair isn’t “neat” or “presentable ” it isn’t done. They feel they need to tell you to get it done because that’s what they feel is needed for survival. They mean well, but they don’t realize how words leave scars.

Not my generation.

 We are working on breaking that generational curse. We’re done playing hair politics with White people AND older Black people. We’re not cutting our locs for a job. We’re letting our hair grow, we’re letting it curl,we’re perming we’re buying wigs,we’re doing it all and if you have a problem with that. That’s on you.

Apologizing to our kids.

How can we expect our kids and those younger to grow into responsible adults who hold themselves accountable when we don’t. You aren’t just right because you’re a parent, or because you’re older. If your child realizes the biggest people in their lives can make mistakes. Then they won’t feel so bad about making them themselves.

No more: “Oh I got food ready, I have Mcdonald’s money, or let’s go to the store and buy you snacks.” No, we’re showing our kids the kind of person they can be one day. One that holds themselves accountable. And never has so much pride that they can’t apologize.

Stop telling your kids they can’t do white stuff in your house.

Stop saying this to your kids. There is nothing that can separate a kid from their Blackness more than their parents and older Black people in their lives rejecting them because of what they love. Just because you don’t know Black people that do it, doesn’t mean it’s a thing we don’t do.

I as an older weeb, almost always compliment Black kids wearing nerdy shirts, especially when they’re with their parents. Because even if they’ve never met a Black nerdy adult, I need them to know that we are normal and that their hobbies are valid. And I want their parents to see adults that have the same hobbies their kids like. No, it’s not just your kid and their friends. We are Blerds, we are grown, and we are out here. 

You don’t want your kid to move out of your house and be so happy that they finally live in a place where they can enjoy their hobbies without your judgment. 

You don’t need to get it, that ok. You don’t even have to do much to encourage them. Treat their hobbies just like you would things that you’re more familiar with. Just don’t make them feel like an oddball in the only place they should feel comfortable, in their home.

That simple.

Ask them questions, show interest. Maybe watch a K-Drama with your daughter or watch a shonen anime with your son. Nerds love sharing what love with those around them. Do some research, how about taking them to a convention or to a random anime movie showing. 

Oh and leave Black alternative kids alone. You think Black kids should be into rock, just means you don’t know your own history. We created the style and a lot of the subgenres within it. The history of rock has been pretty white-washed. So just take it as your kid taking back their own culture. You should see rock the same way you see jazz. A beautiful style that we created.Regardless of who the forefront people are.

Things you learn as you get older part 1

Some of the people that you were closest to in life, will be strangers in the future.

If you would have told me that I wouldn’t have been lifelong friends with [insert names of people I loved] from high school, I would have laughed at you. I knew we would be friends forever. I knew we would always be close, but college showed me how easy friendship can crumple over things. And maybe you wish that you could fix things, but sometimes you never get that chance.

It’s crazy to think, that one day the people that were the closest to you end up being utter strangers. Doesn’t matter knowing their parents, sharing secrets, or how many years you were friends.

Falling outs are just a part of growing up.

That you should have start saving as soon as you can.

I wasn’t raised to be financially literate. I learned how to manage my credit. But I had no background on how to properly budget or save money. Starting a 401K or a Roth IRA would have been a great thing to do, had I known about them.

Travel is worth every penny, go travel and/or live abroad.

I know this kind of contradicts the last one, but that’s why I said I have no regrets. When you live and travel to multiple countries, you enrich yourself as a person. I learned so much about the world, and the experiences are something I look on fondly to this day.

Learning how to navigate a global world can help you in your career, but the biggest thing is that it often helps to make you a more rounded person.

Finding that Studio Ghibli joy in everyday life Part 2

So I was inspired to give you more things because you can never make life too magical. Only too dull.

Try to cook something you’ve never cooked before, plate it beautifully, and take pictures.

While you’re doing something mundane, make a song about it. Spit bars, have fun, sound ridiculous.

While doing some bit of serious housework start dancing with the people around, or with yourself.

Remember an old video game you once loved. Play it now. See if stands up against your nostalgia.

When it’s dark, go outside and try to chart some constellations. Even though we’re bigger now, it’s still fun.

Instead of eating your meal at a table, take it to your porch or balcony.

Find your favorite comfy outfit. Next, find the most comfortable chair you own, the next thing is the most important of all. Sit for a minimum of ten minutes.
Do nothing, just relax.
It’s super hard, but everyone deserves a moment to just get off their feet.

Finding that Studio Ghibli joy in everyday life

If you haven’t watched any movies by Studio Ghibli movies, first I’m going to suggest you get on that. You are missing out on BEAUTIFUL animation. But one of the things that everyone gets out of them is how they make everyday life look beautiful.

The movies make the most mundane things in life seem so utterly beautiful. Just laying down on a hill or simply cooking is elevated to a point of utter wonder and beauty.

So here are some steps on how to make your real-life just as amazing as your favorite movies:

When you decide to cook, put on a song that you cannot hear without dancing.

Go take a step outside, get some sun.

Call somebody you love that you haven’t seen a while.

If you ride the train or the bus, look out the window. Sometimes with everything going on, I forget how pretty my city is.

Make a leave pile, then throw yourself into it. Make a snow angel if your weather allows.

Dress up, no reason just to be cute or dapper.

Take a look at the ground. It’s always fun to see how alive the ground it is.

Take five to ten minutes, and take a walk.

It may seem impossible to make life magical, but it only takes a few minutes a day to make little choices to make even the smallest things memorable and magical.

Life is nothing but a consistent set of choices, so why not make fun ones.

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