Problematic relationship statements: Choose better.

Choose better. Is often a phrase used toward women when they’ve had a bad experience with men. I will explain why this phrase isn’t good advice, isn’t helpful, and is just a strawman argument.

Reason 1: People will lie to date you.

Have you ever pretended to be into something a woman or guy is interested in for them to look at you? I hate to tell you that’s manipulative, but not only that, it’s lying. It’s very common. Many people will fake interest and hobbies in hopes of getting in a relationship with someone.

And you should hope it’s something that small. Many will lie about wanting kids, having children, being married, having a home, and/or having a job. All with the hopes of tricking someone who wouldn’t date them otherwise into getting into a relationship.

And if we’re being honest and if you’re dating someone that you don’t know. It’s easy to be lied to. Especially in the beginning before you get emotionally attached. If you’re seeing someone once a week. You are not to blame if they’re hiding a family, kids, anger issues, or even their employment status?

Reason 2: Sometimes people break up, and both parties are great people.

We always forget that sometimes people choose well, but just aren’t right for each other. Values and wants are just different sometimes and mature adults occasionally decide that breaking up is better than compromise.

Reason 3:You don’t know what you don’t know.

Most people that end up being in abusive relationships, had no clue that the guy/girl was abusive when they started dating. And do you think people that don’t support their children tell you that before you have kids with them?

There are many situations in which, the person honestly couldn’t have known about it till it happened. I know it’s cute to pretend that there are always red flags, but sometimes there aren’t. 

And sometimes they are ones you only can pick up on, once you’ve been in this type of situation before. It’s easy to know you’re being lied to when you’ve had experience being lied to. But some people don’t have experience of going through those situations. Should we blame them for having truthful people in their lives?

 Reason 4: How?

It’s easy to just tell someone to do better. It’s lazy everyone should do better. Real advice would be telling them how to date better. You say I missed red flags. Which ones? How did I miss them? How can I avoid them next time? How could I have known he would neglect his firstborn child? How should I have known he was going to hit me before he started? What are the first signs of an isolating partner? How could I have known he would choose his friends or mother consistently over me, every time?

And if you can’t look at their situation and tell them how they could have avoided it, that means that you could have easily fallen for the same thing. And if you couldn’t have done better, what right do have to tell them to. 

Well, what if they did know they were bad guys. How do you describe those women?

You’re talking about the women who date men who have treated their exes like trash and don’t raise their kids. I don’t always think it’s as simple as these women thinking they are the exception to the rule. Though that may be true in a few of those situations.

Most of this time these women are fed a story about how the ex was less than a woman and some excuse of how the woman is keeping them from their kids. And the woman figures that they are a better woman than that. So if they are a good woman that’ll be enough to change the situation,right? Though it doesn’t work most of the time.

 Also, you have to understand there are men who will treat one woman like trash, leave kids and not support them. Make a new family and be the best father and husband to this new family. And I don’t know how a woman can tell which situation will happen before it happens. 

You don’t think the second one happens.

 Ok, this is a sad fact ,but although we know “King” Richard Williams was just that to Venus and Serena, he had five other kids, who are still very hurt and angry that he left them and their mom.

My advice.

Don’t give advice to just shut people up it doesn’t work. It just makes us talk more about your bad takes.

Your advice to women is don’t date bad men, but for the most part, the women don’t know the men are bad when they first chose them. Your advice should be you telling other men to be better. But men who use this line, don’t actually want to do any work so saying this is easy. 

Holding other men accountable is work.

If you’re a nerd having problem with finding nerdy women part 1 : How you speak

So I keep hearing it every year some nerd/blerd guy complaining how women don’t date nerds. So I thought I would make some post that might give you some insight into why you can’t find your nerdy woman.Here’s the first reason why nerd women may not want to talk to you.

Question 1: When you see a woman wearing fandom merch, do you immediately feel the need to question her?

Storytime: So I’m a Trekkie(Star Trek fan), and I was wearing my second favorite Klingon shirt when I was going into a store. A guy that worked there felt the need to ask me this: 

“Do you know what TV show your shirt is from? “Can you see the issue here?

He didn’t ask what show my shirt was from, because if he was genuinely curious that’s how you ask. He asked me, “did I know where my shirt was from”. The implication is that maybe I was just wearing a shirt of some random show I didn’t watch. 

What if he was trying to start a conversation?

Then he failed. Utterly failed. Nothing will break a conversation more so than a person feeling the need to question my fandoms. I’ve been watching Star Trek as long as I’ve been watching TV. My first TV crush was Spock. I grew up on TOS, and have watched every series since then. Some of them I’ve watched multiple times, just because I love them that much.

Also licensed merchandise is expensive, like $25 for a shirt expensive. And hoodies, let’s not even talk about the extortion prices they charge.

Question 2: Are you asking her what she’s into, or are you trying to figure out if she’s really a fan?

So you see a girl with an anime background on her phone. How would you respond?

 Here’s an example of how someone responded to a woman after seeing her phone screen.

“Did you just start watching anime or somethin’ ‘”?

The problem a lot of women have to deal with this from almost every fandom, unless it’s a female-orientated fandom. Here’s a list of normal (good) interactions and a list of gatekeeping reactions.

Good responses:

(Sees women wearing OP shirt) I love OP. What do you think of the new animation? Who is your favorite character?

What anime is your favorite?

What are you playing? 

Oh, a romance sim, I’ve never played one before. What’s that like to play?

Dude, I really love your screensaver. What other animes are you into?

Wow, that’s a really dope hoody. I love[fill in anime]. Where did you get it from?

I noticed you’re into anime, what’s your favorite genre?

Bad responses that will automatically make women angry

Do you like anime? Name ten that you like besides[names every mainstream shonen anime ]?

Are you “just getting into anime”?”

You probably only watch [insert show]”because you think [HOT side character] is hot”.

What video games do you like? You play Star Dew Valley and the Sims….(visible disappointment). Those don’t count they are not “real” games.

You’re not really into anime if you haven’t watched [insert popular shonen anime].

The best way to think about it.

If you have never said it to another man. Then you probably shouldn’t say it to a woman. If you feel the need to question a woman’s validity in something she is wearing, doing, or saying you may need to ask yourself why. Why do I feel this way? Do I have a problem with women doing nerdy traditionally male activities? Where do these feelings come from? Do I know how to deal with them versus putting them on someone else?

You might feel like you’d like someone to question fandom knowledge, it gives you a chance to prove yourself. But imagine it was all the time, people constantly making you prove that you are just as competent as them.

Simply speaking if your comment could come off as condescending, just don’t say it. If you’re not sure about how you come off, just ask them to tell you about what they love about their fandom. BUT don’t I repeat, don’t question us about our hobbies. There’s not a right or wrong way to do it.

(Some of the things are “” are real things said to me or other women in groups that I’m in. Sad I know.)

We have to stop saying I speak”proper English” as a deflect when someone says you talk White

Yes, someone telling you, that you sound white is definitely a micro-aggression. I understand, it’s annoying when you can’t just exist as a Black person. Even the way you talk is regulated. But your answer has a deeply layered micro-aggression level layered into it as well. And it’s intertwined with the idea that AAVE is slang, and it isn’t.

It’s a dialect.

We need to normalize this fact.

Why is it a dialect and not slang?

Because it has grammatical rules, vocabulary, and accent just like American English. Look it up or ask a linguist. Now there is a lot of negativity attached to it, but let’s be honest. What around Black American’s doesn’t have a negative stigma attached to it.

There’s also the main issue. Which is seeing American English as “proper English” . If standard American English is “proper English” then AAVE is Wrong English?

That’s the antonym of proper. If something is proper then the other thing you’re contrasting it with isn’t. It’s not what you mean perse, but those are the words you’re using. The negative connotation is there even if you don’t think about it. You’re literally saying that you speak correctly. Which means someone else isn’t. It’s us, who speak AAVE.

Just say “standard American English” and be done.

The microaggressions are tough and it’s annoying when someone has the gall to say this to you.Don’t worry though I gotchu. When people say this to you, here’s two easy stock reply’s.

Explain that dialect is not a qualifier for being Black. And that you are Black regardless of how you sound. (DONE)

Or

Ask them what they mean. What does Black sound like? And why would Black people as a whole all sound the same? (Let them explain themselves vs you justifying why you sound like you do.)

Why this?

I’m making stock answers, so you don’t have to put in the effort. Because we spend way too much time trying to justify and defend who we are as people. Defending our dialect, our interest, or anything we do that is not considered in the “normative of what people think Blackness is”. We need short answers so that you’re not like me, who spent way too much time explaining herself. We don’t owe anyone an explanation of how we sound, what we like, or what we wear.

I’m about to make a post about stock answers to Micro-aggressive people. Give me a couple of weeks.

But think about it, though many Black people may speak in AAVE, there is no proper way to speak English. Only a standard, and even that’s different depending on where you are in the world. Many dialects aren’t taught in school, but that doesn’t make them any less valid.

Speaking in AAVE is valid.

What telling your Black child they are “acting white” or doing “white things” does to your child

1.) You are messing with your child’s identity as a Black person

I don’t know how many times I will have to say it, but if a Black person does it, then it is a thing Black people do. Reading comics, watching Star Trek, snowboarding, mountain climbing, spelunking, princess core, cosplaying, gaming, watching anime. We are into everything!

Secondly, this can cause your child to have a conflict with themselves and other Black people. Imagine your child is into things that maybe not a lot of Black people in your area are into. And they’re rejected by Black kids at their school, but also by YOU.

Their parent, who should support them in their endeavors even if it’s something, you aren’t into. But you’re not supportive, you’re no better than their bullies. And how can your kid tell you about being bullied, when you’re saying the same things the bullies are.

For some, the easiest thing to do in these situations is to reject their Blackness. Why hang out with Black people if all they are going to do is bully me, and try to force me to be someone I’m not. Some Black people I see who have very very few Black friends, often have histories of rejection by Black people. For being different than the status quo of Blackness where they were. Some are fine with calling themselves a “coon” for their beliefs and don’t really care if they have Black friends.

Now this isn’t everyone,but I’ve seen this,some people manage to make it through all of this ,mostly ok. Some stay away from all of us.

2.)Your child will never be themselves around you.

Seeing Black adults who grew through this being happy that they are free to do the “white things” they love without judgment, is the saddest and most angering thing I’ve heard this year. Your child hides a part of them when they are around you. Respecting your parents is one thing, but that’s different than them hiding their musical taste and their hobbies from you.

Hiding them because you’ll deny their Blackness if you see them. You’ll spoil every mood. So rather than be themselves. They put on a maks of your “Black normal”.They perform the type of Blackness that you want.
And you’ll never get to know your child. Because they can’t trust that you’re a safe place, that they can just be themselves.

They shuck and jive for you because that’s what you said you wanted. Right?

3.) They might just choose to not be around you.

Some Black adults may fake themselves around their parents. But you have to understand some won’t. They aren’t going to pretend for you. They just aren’t going to deal with you.

And you may ask yourselves, why you don’t see them a lot…

Especially if they have children because they aren’t going to take the chance that you’ll reject their child’s Blackness. They are raising strong Black kids to be independent and to love their culture. Who will also be unapologetically themselves.

And they know the only thing you offer their child is a binding box.

Let’s expand:

I’ve seen Black adults who had a deal with their parents questioning their Blackness their whole life, and it’s heartbreaking. I was lucky. My mom didn’t get me, but she NEVER questioned my Blackness because of my hobbies. She knew me wearing black wouldn’t stop me from being followed in stores. And that watching anime won’t stop micro-aggressions.

I was so lucky, the concept of parents questioning their child’s Blackness didn’t make sense to me. But the older I got the more people I met who had the same story. Blerds whose parents saw their nerdiness and somehow correlated that to whiteness. This really doesn’t make sense with things like anime, which is Japanese, but I digress.

Very few Blerds had supportive parents unless the parents were Blerds themselves. Many caught flack everywhere and didn’t have a single place where they could be themselves. It didn’t take me long to realize, that my childhood freedom though it should be the norm, was an outlier.

Don’t get me, bullies will always try to get people to conform. “The nail that sticks out will get hammered down”, conformity to culture and society is global. But the one thing your child should know is that their Blackness is unquestionable. And you, the parent, should be the first person to build that sense of confidence.

Their foundation should be so strong that when anyone, Black, White, or whatever, tells them their hobby is white, that they can laugh in their face. And they can go back to that hobby will full confidence in themselves and the love for that thing.

Be that parent.

Because there aren’t white things.

But there are many things Black people have been “gatekeeped” from or things that class and the wealth gap have made unavailable to us. For example, people talk about Black people not swimming. But have you ever asked yourself WHY? It’s the same history with hiking, things that “people” didn’t want to share with us.

And don’t get me started on the Whitewashing of rock history. It’s so bad that many Black people don’t know who created Rock & Roll, and helped create grunge. How can our children being a part of a genre our ancestors created, be considered acting white?

So unpack your biases, and give your kids an uninhibited bubble of safety, known as home. Let your home be the place where your child can be them, even when the world doesn’t.

The world will always try to push your child into a box. It’s your job to let them know that they’re more than that.

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