Feeling good as Black women despite those who wish to demonize Black women

There are a lot of men on the internet right now who have made it their sole reason of existence to talk negatively about Black women. They call us ghetto to say we lack accountability, maturity, loud, insulting, emasculating, calling us “breeder”( no, I’m not kidding), and the list goes on.

But you know what I think we need to do as a collective?

Live our best lives.

I actually am a fan of people saying their true feelings. Even if I know their opinion are horrible ones. Why so that we as a collective can avoid them like the plague they are.

I like to watch them be dragged online, and I celebrate those who do have the energy to call them out for their ignorance. But I will personally put no effort into any of this. For myself, I don’t want to put a single more thought into them. They are not worth the stress the arguments would cause me.

You’re probably thinking, how do you combat them while not interacting with them?

Easy, by living my best life and actively proving them wrong with a great life. And having all the things they don’t believe I can have while being me.

What telling your Black child they are “acting white” or doing “white things” does to your child

1.) You are messing with your child’s identity as a Black person

I don’t know how many times I will have to say it, but if a Black person does it, then it is a thing Black people do. Reading comics, watching Star Trek, snowboarding, mountain climbing, spelunking, princess core, cosplaying, gaming, watching anime. We are into everything!

Secondly, this can cause your child to have a conflict with themselves and other Black people. Imagine your child is into things that maybe not a lot of Black people in your area are into. And they’re rejected by Black kids at their school, but also by YOU.

Their parent, who should support them in their endeavors even if it’s something, you aren’t into. But you’re not supportive, you’re no better than their bullies. And how can your kid tell you about being bullied, when you’re saying the same things the bullies are.

For some, the easiest thing to do in these situations is to reject their Blackness. Why hang out with Black people if all they are going to do is bully me, and try to force me to be someone I’m not. Some Black people I see who have very very few Black friends, often have histories of rejection by Black people. For being different than the status quo of Blackness where they were. Some are fine with calling themselves a “coon” for their beliefs and don’t really care if they have Black friends.

Now this isn’t everyone,but I’ve seen this,some people manage to make it through all of this ,mostly ok. Some stay away from all of us.

2.)Your child will never be themselves around you.

Seeing Black adults who grew through this being happy that they are free to do the “white things” they love without judgment, is the saddest and most angering thing I’ve heard this year. Your child hides a part of them when they are around you. Respecting your parents is one thing, but that’s different than them hiding their musical taste and their hobbies from you.

Hiding them because you’ll deny their Blackness if you see them. You’ll spoil every mood. So rather than be themselves. They put on a maks of your “Black normal”.They perform the type of Blackness that you want.
And you’ll never get to know your child. Because they can’t trust that you’re a safe place, that they can just be themselves.

They shuck and jive for you because that’s what you said you wanted. Right?

3.) They might just choose to not be around you.

Some Black adults may fake themselves around their parents. But you have to understand some won’t. They aren’t going to pretend for you. They just aren’t going to deal with you.

And you may ask yourselves, why you don’t see them a lot…

Especially if they have children because they aren’t going to take the chance that you’ll reject their child’s Blackness. They are raising strong Black kids to be independent and to love their culture. Who will also be unapologetically themselves.

And they know the only thing you offer their child is a binding box.

Let’s expand:

I’ve seen Black adults who had a deal with their parents questioning their Blackness their whole life, and it’s heartbreaking. I was lucky. My mom didn’t get me, but she NEVER questioned my Blackness because of my hobbies. She knew me wearing black wouldn’t stop me from being followed in stores. And that watching anime won’t stop micro-aggressions.

I was so lucky, the concept of parents questioning their child’s Blackness didn’t make sense to me. But the older I got the more people I met who had the same story. Blerds whose parents saw their nerdiness and somehow correlated that to whiteness. This really doesn’t make sense with things like anime, which is Japanese, but I digress.

Very few Blerds had supportive parents unless the parents were Blerds themselves. Many caught flack everywhere and didn’t have a single place where they could be themselves. It didn’t take me long to realize, that my childhood freedom though it should be the norm, was an outlier.

Don’t get me, bullies will always try to get people to conform. “The nail that sticks out will get hammered down”, conformity to culture and society is global. But the one thing your child should know is that their Blackness is unquestionable. And you, the parent, should be the first person to build that sense of confidence.

Their foundation should be so strong that when anyone, Black, White, or whatever, tells them their hobby is white, that they can laugh in their face. And they can go back to that hobby will full confidence in themselves and the love for that thing.

Be that parent.

Because there aren’t white things.

But there are many things Black people have been “gatekeeped” from or things that class and the wealth gap have made unavailable to us. For example, people talk about Black people not swimming. But have you ever asked yourself WHY? It’s the same history with hiking, things that “people” didn’t want to share with us.

And don’t get me started on the Whitewashing of rock history. It’s so bad that many Black people don’t know who created Rock & Roll, and helped create grunge. How can our children being a part of a genre our ancestors created, be considered acting white?

So unpack your biases, and give your kids an uninhibited bubble of safety, known as home. Let your home be the place where your child can be them, even when the world doesn’t.

The world will always try to push your child into a box. It’s your job to let them know that they’re more than that.

Black women find Black joy in friendship with other Black women

I hear it all the time, women don’t want friendship with other women because women are petty, jealous, will sleep with your man, have attitudes, and whatever other stereotypes people use. I do love drama, but I don’t have any. That’s why I enjoy K-dramas because I can turn them off when I want to. I love tea. I just don’t have any.

I feel like we are thinking about this the wrong way. If you don’t have drama, if you wouldn’t sleep with someone’s man, and aren’t petty or jealous, why automatically assume this of other women?

Yes, I understand that there are women who are those things, but imagine that someone saw you and thought you were this kind of person. Then you had to prove you aren’t and are worthy of their friendship.

Give people a chance. I’m not saying open up your home to a stranger or anything but give people space so that you can learn who they are. Be like Maya Angelou, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” The thing is you will never learn who they are if you don’t give them a chance. Everybody isn’t great but you’ll never meet people if you don’t try.

I couldn’t imagine my life without Black women my own age and older. Going out, with my girls in our twenties. Being defended by upperclassmen, I didn’t even know well when I changed high schools. Going out with the girls having a girl’s night. We are showing out in public, and we had so much fun. Or now going out in cute and feminine in our thirties then hitting the arcade playing music-based games. And maybe that’s not what you’re into, but you can find women who like what you like.

We all aren’t going out for bobba and that’s ok?

You gotta love what you love, and find people who share those things in common. Women who can just suck your teeth together, when your hair isn’t doing the right thing. Or just you know, moisturizing a friend’s hair when they’ve had a hard day. Or being at an event where there are no Black people there and one of your besties just show up and you exchange the Black nod/glance. And everything becomes well with the world.

Make girlfriends sis, men aren’t as fun as we are. We need girls’ trips and events. It’s just another added thing to make like more fun.

Finding Grown Black Joy in Hobbies part 2 : Finding what makes you smile

When I thought about my first post, I realized some people really didn’t get a childhood that gave them a chance to find out what makes them happy. Some of us honestly only know work and the hustle. In between jobs, helping with siblings, there could be a multitude of reasons why you may didn’t have a chance to develop hobbies, so I have suggestions:

Go to a museum or an art exhibit by an artist you aren’t familiar with.

Try some videos games: one RPG, one fighting, and one farming sim ( farming sims are super relaxing).

Try on some anime: watch a few episodes of a shonen, shojo, and a slice of life.

Go to a painting class with your friends.

Dress up and go to a restaurant of a food culture you aren’t familiar with, and then ask the waiter for their suggestion. Trying something new is always fun.

On a sunny day take a journal and go to the park and sketch what you see.

Write down how you feel, add so rhythm, YOU WROTE A POEM! Congrats how does it feel?

Try some card games, something like spades or unstable unicorns.

Many dojo’s/dojangs have the first class for free so try out a martial art, both Taekwondo and Capoeira are super fun.

Go to a pawn shop find a cheap instrument that you always wanted to play. Practice.

Read a comic or start a collection, yeah people still do this.

Read fantasy or historical fiction about Black people. Yes, a lot of modern authors are writing Black historical fiction that doesn’t revolve around racism and pain, it’s great. And seeing magical stories revolving around Black people rather than them not existing is what kid me always looked for.

Find a podcast that teaches you something.

I could go on forever really, but the trick is to learn about yourself. So that you can take care of yourself. And a big part of knowing yourself is knowing things that bring you joy. It could be one thing on this list or all of them.

But knowing is half the battle.

Finding Black Joy in things without tearing something else down: PART 1

Recently I was watching an interview of a biracial Black woman. When it came time to talk about her hair, she proclaimed that she loved her hair and that she was “blessed” that it wasn’t nappy like her mother’s. And you should note she made sure that she pointed out her mother telling her how “lucky ” she is to have her texture.

There’s a lot you can say about this, but I’m going to make a different correlation than most. Her words reminded me of how some Black men sound when say when they don’t date Black women. They often tear down what they don’t like in Black women and THAN praise the qualities they “feel” white(or just non-Black) women have over us. It is also reminiscent of Black men who won’t date women who look like them because of stereotypes they have over their skin tone.

But if you do this, you need to ask yourself: Why is your love of something so tied to its superiority to something else?

Think about that.

The honest question I feel like people often don’t get asked is: Do you honestly like the thing you claim to love?

Is your dislike of something so overwhelming, that you find anything that isn’t that amazing?

Does she love her hair, or is her dislike of 4C hair so high that everything in comparison is better? Do these men like these women, or do they dislike Black women/their skin so much that anything in comparison is better?

Wait, you say.

What if they do, genuinely love those other women, and what if she genuinely loves her hair? You could make arguments for them, but it doesn’t take away the fact that they can’t manage to talk about their love without disparaging someone else. In her interview, she could have easily just talked about how much she loved her hair.

But she didn’t.

She had to make sure people knew how thankful she was, that she didn’t have “nappy” hair. Because that is her truth, regardless of how sad it might make us. The same thing with many videos I see on social media with Black Men who don’t date Black women. These men don’t just happily date other people groups. No, many of them want to make sure you know, they don’t date Black women and then they feel compelled to tell you why.

No one is entitled to the reasons for why you do what you do. If you love something you don’t have to give people a reason why.

But if you choose to say why, do it, tell your story.

UNLESS your reasoning tears others down.

If you can’t say what you love without hurting innocent people. Maybe ask yourself why your declarations are always a shot at someone else, often to those you don’t even know.

I’ll talk more about that in Part 2 on where I feel like a lot of these feelings come from.

Grown Black Joy meet hobbies

I know one of the biggest things in our community is grinding. Doing what needs to be done so that we can live the life that we want to. For us and our future generations. I love how the community is striving to make generation wealth happen for our children.

It is SO beautiful.

But the thing I have to ask you is, what are you doing just for you, that you enjoy? Even if it doesn’t add a dollar to your bank account. Especially if it doesn’t add monetary value to your life. Are you still doing things that are fun and make you happy? It may sound trivial, even childish but when is the last time you as an adult did something just because you enjoyed it?

It is very easy to make work and your business your life. But it isn’t and while you are building a better life, it’s very easy to just work through and not enjoy the present. When was the last time that you valued your interest?

And if you say your interest is money, then when you get it what are you gonna use it for? If the sole reason behind you getting money is just having it. Most people want to get money so they can enjoy their interests fully, so they can live more freely and do all the things they couldn’t because of finances. One day you could definitely make it big if you dedicate yourself to that business. That is the dream, and I’m not telling you not to strive toward your goals, but to prioritize the present as well. Maybe just take fifteen to thirty minutes a week to do something that you love doing, for the sake of your love for it.


So you’re telling me, you don’t have time for fun things. Yeah, I get it, we’re adults some of us have kids, and the day may not have the number of hours we need. I’ve found is that if I purposefully schedule in time for something. I end up doing it. We make time for things we find valuable. And I really want people to find value in their smiles just as they do in the dollar.

Go read that book, try baking that thing, build that Gundam, go live, stream with friends. I don’t know what you like. But you do, so go do that thing that makes you smile.

Because what we forget is that we need balance work shouldn’t be life, and it’s the things we enjoy that make life worth it.

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