Recently I was watching an interview of a biracial Black woman. When it came time to talk about her hair, she proclaimed that she loved her hair and that she was “blessed” that it wasn’t nappy like her mother’s. And you should note she made sure that she pointed out her mother telling her how “lucky ” she is to have her texture.
There’s a lot you can say about this, but I’m going to make a different correlation than most. Her words reminded me of how some Black men sound when say when they don’t date Black women. They often tear down what they don’t like in Black women and THAN praise the qualities they “feel” white(or just non-Black) women have over us. It is also reminiscent of Black men who won’t date women who look like them because of stereotypes they have over their skin tone.
But if you do this, you need to ask yourself: Why is your love of something so tied to its superiority to something else?
Think about that.
The honest question I feel like people often don’t get asked is: Do you honestly like the thing you claim to love?
Is your dislike of something so overwhelming, that you find anything that isn’t that amazing?
Does she love her hair, or is her dislike of 4C hair so high that everything in comparison is better? Do these men like these women, or do they dislike Black women/their skin so much that anything in comparison is better?
Wait, you say.
What if they do, genuinely love those other women, and what if she genuinely loves her hair? You could make arguments for them, but it doesn’t take away the fact that they can’t manage to talk about their love without disparaging someone else. In her interview, she could have easily just talked about how much she loved her hair.
But she didn’t.
She had to make sure people knew how thankful she was, that she didn’t have “nappy” hair. Because that is her truth, regardless of how sad it might make us. The same thing with many videos I see on social media with Black Men who don’t date Black women. These men don’t just happily date other people groups. No, many of them want to make sure you know, they don’t date Black women and then they feel compelled to tell you why.
No one is entitled to the reasons for why you do what you do. If you love something you don’t have to give people a reason why.
But if you choose to say why, do it, tell your story.
UNLESS your reasoning tears others down.
If you can’t say what you love without hurting innocent people. Maybe ask yourself why your declarations are always a shot at someone else, often to those you don’t even know.
I’ll talk more about that in Part 2 on where I feel like a lot of these feelings come from.